Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
