are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
