My liver just broke up with me...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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