Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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