I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
did i just pee glitter
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
