its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
