On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
