Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
