I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize