you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
