how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
