Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
