its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
