My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can vaginas get frostbite?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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