I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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