is your mom at the bar?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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