we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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