This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
