So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
