Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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