just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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