Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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