one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
