My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
