I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize