I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
