I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
