I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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