I hate your face
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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