2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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