Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
