So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
