so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
