He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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