Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
