I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
