I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize