Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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