Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
