That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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