I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
