Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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