Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
