things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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