My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
