Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Randomize
