Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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