I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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