I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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