i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
