He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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