For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
