I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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