Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
