she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
